Disenchanted
by khughes830
Summary: Post Sanctuary/Season 18. I didn't want it to end. So it's not. Rating bumped up because at some point I will need it. No clue where this is going. Stay tuned. Barson centric but others will float in and out.
1. Chapter 1

OMG that finale was the shit and then some. I didn't want it to end, but COME ON SVU - you can't just throw us a little Barson bone. But that one word - disenchanted - the way Raul and Mariska played it... I can't even. Trust me. I went back and watched just that moment like 10-15 times this afternoon. So I'm taking that moment and running with it.

I have no idea where this is going, but I know I need to just write. So write I shall. We have a long ass summer in front of us. Angst, thy name is Barson.

* * *

The Samra case. The fire bomb in Harlem. It had been two weeks of non-stop work and chaos and a city on the edge. The mayor was begging everyone to keep their heads. Church leaders were meeting to try to come to a peace. She had been hauled all around the city with, and at times, on behalf of Dodds. It felt like there was some kind of lull finally starting to take root. It had been 36 hours since anything of note had happened and had given them all a chance to breathe. She dropped her glasses on her desk and rubbed her eyes, exhausted. She looked up at her empty door and realized something else.

 _"Are you upset with me?  
_ _"No."  
_ _"Disenchanted?"_

It had been two weeks since he had… been here. Sure. He had been in the squad room, working with her team. But he had also been pulled off in all directions, working just like she had been. Trying to help find and institute some peace and order in the city they both loved. But that night… Dodds had given them the news and then all of their phones blew up and suddenly it was two weeks later and she could feel he was just… missing… from her space. She couldn't look at him when he asked if she was upset with him. Far from it. She was struggling to battle with what was happening in her head and in her heart when it came to him. To what she felt for him. Toward him. About him. His win at all costs bravado made him so frustrating at times and she could get so mad at him. But he never once made her feel less than anything for doing what she felt was right. For doing the right thing. They still got their outcome. They still got their win. And she thought maybe she needed some distance. Some time. Till he gave it to her, meaning to or not. He pulled back. He pulled away. There had been no sidebars or drinks at Forlini's or dinner in his office. There had been plenty of opportunity but she realized, in that moment, that he always found a reason to move on. To not extend the invitation. She thought back to a moment last week where it had just been them. His phone rang and he answered and everyone had filed out one by one till the only one left in the room was her. He hung up the phone and looked around before he landed on her. And she remembered how he smiled at her and then pulled back, pulled away, bid her goodbye and sat down, eyes on his work in front of him. She stared at him, hard. Willing him to look back at her, but he never did. She remembered how she felt that night as she turned off her light to go to sleep. She felt sad. And her heart hurt a little bit.

She gazed at that spot where he hadn't stood in two weeks. It seemed larger without him there, filling her door. She bit her lip, thinking. She grabbed her phone and dialed the number. Carmen answered, saying yes, he was there and he seemed to be hunkering down for the night.

* * *

By the time she got over to his office, most people had cleared out for the day. The setting sun came in through windows through the building, but it was quiet. A serene environment. She watched him for a moment through the blinds. He sat there, scribbling away, alternating between writing and reading. Fast on both parts. But it somehow all came together for him. He made it all come together for them. For her and her team and the victims and all the people they fought for. How she could have ever given him the thought that she was disenchanted by him, but this… thing. Because it was becoming a thing. Not that anything of note had happened, but they were spending more time together. Drinks. Dinner. Coffee. Walks during the day. On more than one occasion he had seen her all the way home. Had even come up for pizza one night. They were tentative, but moving in a direction of hope. Till the Samra case. Till she followed her heart and contradicted Maya's story. She saw the slight smile he gave, like he knew she would do this thing, even if it made the case harder for him. The different sides of this very blurry line they found themselves on had created a tension. The path they had been on seemed to have suddenly disappeared and she didn't know what to do. So, she hid. She turned him down, but instead of walking away, he pushed her. And it might have gone farther had Dodds not walked in and all hell broke loose. And now they were two weeks later down the road and she felt farther away from him right in this moment than she had in a very long time.

She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. She banged on his door frame, like he had done two short weeks ago. He looked up and gave her a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. She felt like someone had punched her in the gut.

"You need something, Liv?"

"No. Yes. Maybe."

He put his pen down and crossed his hands on his desk. "Liv?"

"How about I buy you a drink for once?" He looked down at his hands and she pressed her lips together, keeping every thought she had in her head from falling out of her mouth.

"I would love to, Liv, but I'm finally making some headway in all this paperwork that has piled up over the last few weeks so I really need to…" he trailed off, still not looking at her. Her heart dropped as he sighed and picked his pen back up.

"Barba." He froze but still didn't look at her. "Barba, please." Still nothing. "Rafael." That did the trick. His eyes shot up to hers and she realized this was the first time they were really looking at each other in two weeks. It felt like forever at this point.

"Liv, I swear I just… can we raincheck that? I really do have so much stuff that fell by the wayside during this mess of the last couple of weeks." She just nodded, knowing she had a similar stack sitting on her desk.

"You just… you seem to be the one… disenchanted right now" she said as she started to turn to go.

"Never" she heard from behind her. She wanted more than anything to turn and look at him again, but the tears in her eyes kept her from doing that very thing. She waved a goodbye over her shoulder and left, feeling his eyes on her till he could no longer see her.


	2. Chapter 2

**This is by far the most angst riddled thing I have ever written in my life. I hate and I love it all at the same time.**

 **So basically, I saw someone over on Tumblr say something to the effect of how Barba is in love with Olivia but she only sees him as a friend. I don't think that's true at all. What I've written here is my take on how it plays out on my screen. That Olivia feels like she's got too much between Noah and work to deal with anything else. Or that maybe because of her life and how she got to this point, no one wants to be a part of it or take on her craziness. I feel like that idea got slightly brushed up against in Genes and then dropped. Cause that's what season 18 was all about.**

 **I was also going to try to write something using that Queen/Rook comparison Raul made in his THR interview, but I think I'm just going to work it into this story. Thanks for reading.**

* * *

The elevator doors closed and she gave in, just for a moment. She spent so long convincing herself that a relationship was not in the cards for her. She had made her peace with that. She had Noah and she had her career. Noah had brought her more joy than she could have imagine. But was there a part of her that watched the families at the park and at his preschool and think 'it would be nice not to be doing this alone'? Yes. Always. But it was a fleeting thought, or so she thought. But he started to work his way in. Maybe he had starting the day she first shook his hand, but she could say with absolute certainty that over the last year or so, he had become integral in her life. Not just work, but everywhere. When she could feel herself starting to go off the rails, to spiral, to go off in a direction she shouldn't, his manner and straightforward way of thinking brought her back in off the ledge. It is why they made such a potent team. It is why they fought so hard and passionately when they were at odds. It's why they won and got angry when they didn't.

She wiped the few tears away from her face as the door opened to the ground floor. Maybe she had resisted for too long. Maybe her window had closed. Maybe he saw her as too much work, too high maintenance, too much trouble. Maybe she had fought so hard against him that she had missed her chance to be with him and let his light and calm enter into the darkness and chaos that sometimes surrounded her.

* * *

He stood at his window, knowing exactly where to watch so he could see her leave. He sipped his scotch as she exited the building, just standing there. His heart beat double time as he watched her run her hands through her hair and… was she wiping her face? The beating stopped. She was crying. She left him crying. Someone could have kicked him in that moment and he's not sure it would have hurt worse. He watched her pull out her phone and a moment later, he heard his vibrate behind him. He grabbed it and her text made him hurt.

 _Sorry to have interrupted. Don't work too late. We all need a good night sleep._

He could kick himself for making her think that he was anything less than enchanted with her. He had been from the moment he shook her hand all those years ago. When you work SVU anywhere in the boroughs, you hear about the tough as nails Olivia Benson. How she gave more to this job than most people ever did and if you were going to be her ADA, you better be ready. But he didn't expect her heart and her mind and her expressive eyes to get the better of him. And he fought it for so long. But they became more comfortable with each other. They talked about squabbling at 85 and he told her things about his past and his life that he never talked about.

And maybe she couldn't really get past the lying about Ashtonja and reporting her and Tucker to 1PP. Maybe his window had closed. Maybe he would always have to admire her from afar. He cherished her in his life too much, so he would take what she was willing to give him. He would keep her safe and fight with her and for her. He watched her make a couple of calls and he tapped out a reply.

 _You are never a bother. You get some sleep too. I will talk to you later._

Her shoulders sagged as she read his response. She dropped her phone in her pocket and headed into the waning daylight. He drained his drink and returned to his desk.

* * *

"It's been awhile Olivia" Dr. Lindstrom said, opening his door to her.

She sat down on his couch. "Thanks for seeing me so last minute. Lucy said Noah was asleep and she was studying anyway and I just…"

"Liv, you look like you are about to vibrate out of your skin" he replied, sitting down across from her.

"I feel like it, to be honest. The last few weeks have been rough."

"I've been following you in the paper. I feel like I should ask for your autograph." She smiled at his joke.

"So, what's going on Olivia?"

She looked at him. "I have a pretty good life." He just nodded. "I have a job that I'm passionate about and this amazing son who brings me love and light every day. But.."

"But…" he echoed.

"Is it selfish to want more? Is it selfish for me to say that? Considering where I came from, I feel like I should be happy with what I have. And I am. So happy. But…"

"It would be nice to have someone to let you fall into them for a change?" She just nodded. He had this knack of knowing exactly what to say when she couldn't.

"Olivia. Listen to me. I don't think you have ever been ready to hear this till now, for some reason. Your background doesn't define you. Your previous partners and relationships don't define you. Your heart defines you. Your drive and your passion defines you. Your laughter and your feelings define you. They make you who you are. I wish you let more people in like that." She just shook her head.

"Maybe it's better this way. My life… I can be a mess. Why inflict that on…" she paused, glancing at him before looking away "… anyone."

"That felt like a very specific pause, Olivia." She shook her head again. "Olivia, is there someone…"

"It doesn't matter. He's… disenchanted…" she barked out, laughing at how sad that one word made her feel.

Lindstrom narrowed his eyes at her. It was now or never with her. "Have you asked ADA Barba if that's the way he really feels?"

Her eyes were wider than he had ever seen them as she looked at him. Shocked. Exposed. He could see it all move across her face.

"I will take that silence as a no. Olivia, let me be very honest with you. I have known you a long time. I have spoken to him a few times myself. That man is loyal to you, almost to a fault. He will protect you till the end of his days. You two orbit each other. Gravity has pulled you two together even though you both fight it over and over and over again."

"He doesn't…"

Lindstrom held up his hand. "Olivia, I feel like you came here tonight for some hard truth. So that's what I will dole out. You are so scared that someone won't leave you that you have decided not to let anyone in. You can use Noah and your job as your crutch with the rest of the world, but not here. Not with me. And funny enough, I would bet my checking account Mr. Barba is the same way. He pushes you. He makes you feel again. William Lewis tried to take that away from you and you have kind of let him. He could have climbed the political ladder years ago. Moved on to another job. He didn't. He is still here. With you." He sat back to let all of that sink in.

Olivia couldn't keep the tears at bay now. "What if I'm too late?" she choked out.

"You won't know unless you open your mouth and your heart, Olivia." And she nodded, knowing that something had to change.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm with Rita on this one. I can't believe I did this either. A short little chapter to get us from point A to point B. Plus, I give you Rita/Fin.

* * *

"How many are you in?" Rita asked as she dropped into the stool next to him at the bar.

"Several" he muttered, draining his glass and waving the bartender back over.

"Great" she replied. She ordered her drink and looked at him as he stared at the bar.

"You're pathetic."

"You have no idea." He shook his head in complete agreement.

"Barba, you just need to man up and ask that woman out."

"I did. Turned me down cold. Again."

"I swear, if you tell me you just asked her to get a drink with you…" he slid his eyes over to his oldest friend in the city. She just shook her head at him.

"You're an idiot."

"Not disagreeing."

"This self-pity thing is not a good look on you, Barba. Not at all. I don't like it. Knock it off."

"Yeah" he sighed, picking up his new drink, taking a sip. "Maybe I do."

"This is what I've been telling you." They sat in silence for a few minutes. She could see the wheels turning in his head. _"Finally!"_ she thought to herself. She had listened to him on and off for over a year talk about this thing with Olivia. And then the Tucker thing happened and he refused to talk about her at all. Every time she brought it up he shut her down. But then it started back up again. And in the last couple of months, it was less about work and more about them. The tiny little steps they were taking with each other. She thought they were finally going to put the rest of them out of their misery. Until…

"So, this friend of yours from work you threaten to fix me up with when I am particularly hard to be around?"

Rita just stared at him incredulously. "What?"

"Karen? Katherine?"

"Kathleen?"

"Yes. Maybe it's time I finally call you on that threat."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Rita asked. She could not believe what she was hearing. Every time he got somewhat mopey about Olivia, she would bring up this woman from her practice. The anti-Olivia. Quiet. Introverted. Not very emotional. Blonde. Not Rita's favorite person, but it was fun to tease him. Till right now.

"Is she blonde?"

"Yes."

"Great. Set it up for me."

"No. I'm not doing this with you."

"She's disenchanted. She all but confirmed it. I can't continue to make a fool out of myself. She's an amazing work partner and that I will just have to be ok with."

"No Barba."

"Rita, come on. Or I'll just show up there myself and find her. Your choice." He couldn't even look her in the eye while he was saying these words.

"You need to look at me" she demanded. He turned toward her and the look of utter dejection that was on his face was something she had never seen on him before. It took her breathe away for a moment. "Look me in the eye and ask me this."

"Rita. Please." His eyes shined bright with tears and hurt and heartbreak. Like this was the hardest thing he had ever asked anyone to do for him.

"Raf, I really don't think…" she shook her head as she just looked at his eyes. His face. His entire body. Like he knew he had lost. She wanted to so desperately to bang their damn heads together.

"Please" he whispered.

She shook her head slowly. "This is a supremely bad idea, Rafael."

"Mine usually are."

She sighed loudly. "Fine, but I'm coming too. Just to be there when you realize that this is the dumbest idea you have ever had. Because this is not the woman you want to be out with." He nodded and returned to staring at his drink.

"Where?"

"Here I guess."

"Fuck no" she said harsher than she really meant. "There is no way on God's green earth I'm setting up on a blind date at Forlini's."

"It's just a bar."

"No, its not and you can just hold your bullshit right there Barba."

"Fine."

Rita rolled her eyes. "Look, there is a place around the corner from our office. 8 tomorrow night?" He just nodded in agreement. "I can't believe I'm doing this" she whispered to herself. She grabbed her phone and shot off a text to Fin. She was going to need backup tomorrow night.


	4. Chapter 4

She had zoned out, trying to make a dent in her paperwork when she heard a pound against her doorframe. She froze for a moment, not looking up, wondering if…

"Chief? What can I do for you?" she asked, trying not to mask the slight disappointment in her voice. Her boss took a seat across from her.

"Well, I wanted to check in. See how you are now that things seemed to have calmed down for the moment."

"We're good. We all have some time to catch up on paperwork and…"

"Olivia, I didn't ask about your team. I asked about you." She just stared at her boss. "Olivia, if I'm being honest, you have just seemed off the last couple of weeks. Nothing bad and you have been killing it at your job for sure. But… you… who you are… has just seemed off and I wanted to check in." She nodded, not being sure if she could form any words in the moment.

"How's Noah?" She smiled.

"He's good. Lucy is done with school so she actually took him with her to visit some cousins out in Jones Beach for a couple of days. I'm supposed to head out there on Saturday morning to pick him up. She… uh… she kind of noticed the same thing you did. Thought maybe I could take a couple of days to get caught up and get my head right again."

"That's a good nanny."

"She's like family. I'm not sure I could do this without her." Dodds nodded. "Is that all or…"

He cleared his throat and handed her some paperwork. "Well, yeah. I thought maybe you could officially use some help around here. I'm trying to get Fin exempted from having to work patrol so he can stay here and take some of the weight off your shoulders."

She started to protest when he held up his hand to silence her. "Olivia, it's been a hell of a year. You need a chance to take a break. A real one. Get out of the city. Turn off your phone. That's what Fin will be here for. But I need him to sign some stuff tonight so I can move on it tomorrow. Any idea where he went?" Olivia looked out to his empty desk. She didn't remember him telling her he was leaving for the day, but she's been such a space cadet the last few weeks she's not sure if he did or not.

"I'll find him and have him sign this and bring it to you myself first thing in the morning." Dodds nodded and pushed himself out of the chair. He turned back toward her in the doorway.

"Olivia. What I said a few weeks ago during the Samra case about having your back and making sure you are covered in whatever you choose to do… I didn't just mean then. You are one of the best Lieutenants I have and one of the best people I know. I will always make sure you are covered no matter what you do… or who you choose to do it with." Her eyes fell wide and she thought maybe she forgot to breathe for a minute. He just nodded and left her doorway.

Olivia took a moment to compose herself, looking at the time. With Noah gone, she could go home and drop right into bed, maybe getting a decent night sleep. She grabbed her things and the paperwork Dodds left for her and headed out.

Carisi was coming out of the breakroom as she crossed to the elevators.

"Carisi. Any idea where Fin went?"

"Yeah, he said something about meeting some people for a drink around 8. Bar up near the courthouse, I think near Rita's office." Olivia stopped and looked back at her detective as he just shrugged and headed toward his desk. Fin and Rita… a thought that made Olivia crack a small smile.

* * *

Fin was doing his best not to glare directly at the ADA sitting down the table from him. He watched the man go from sulking into his glass to being over the top flirty, and a little smarmy, with the blonde sitting next to him. Barba hadn't so much as looked his direction since he walked in. Fin couldn't decide if the man was trying to save face or if he was just an asshole.

"Tonight, I'm going with asshole" Rita whispered in his ear.

"Did I say that out loud?"

"Just a little bit. It's ok. I've had the same thought for the last 24 hours. I even tried to wave Kathleen off, but then everyone got wind of a night out for drinks, so…" Fin just nodded and they both looked back down toward Barba and the blonde as she laughed at something he whispered to her.

"He's not even that funny" Rita said, glancing over at Fin, but he didn't hear her. His eyes were on the doorway and Rita looked and groaned as Olivia waved at them and walked toward their table.

"Fuck" Rita whispered under her breath. She glanced down toward Barba, but he was being ridiculous with Kathleen. She mentally crossed her fingers that maybe they wouldn't even notice each other.

Fin stood up quickly, having the same idea as Rita as Olivia made her way toward the table.

"Hey" he said, trying to usher her away from the group.

"Hey, didn't mean to interrupt but Dodds came by and I've got some good news and…" she trailed off, her eyes moving over Fin's shoulder toward the end of the table. There she saw him, throwing back a glass of scotch while some little blonde had an arm draped over his shoulders. Olivia could only watch as the blonde whispered something in his ear and he looked over his shoulder, seeing her standing there. His eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open and he turned in his chair slightly.

"Liv" she heard Fin say quietly as he touched her arm. She pulled her eyes back to one of her oldest colleagues and friends as he mouthed "sorry" at her. "Did you need me?"

She just nodded and stared at him. She could feel the tears in her eyes start to form but the hell would she lose it here. Hell no.

"Dodds is trying to get you exempt from patrol and let you stay at SVU to give me some help and maybe a break. He needs these signed tonight and I told him I would find you and bring them to him first thing but I didn't…" she trailed off. She had no clue what else to say. She could feel Barba's eyes staring at her, but she knew that if she looked at him, it would be all over. She would either cuss him out or throw him across the table or kiss him senseless… quite possibly all three. But she couldn't have that break down. She would have it at home over a pint of ice cream in bed watching tv. Not here. She wouldn't give him that satisfaction of knowing she was anything but disenchanted.

Fin took the paper from her and the pen that Rita produced from her purse and signed the papers as fast as humanly possible. "Tell Dodds thanks" he said, handing them back to her. She froze, staring at him. "Let me take you home" he whispered. She shook her head. "No. Fin, just… no. I'm fine."

"Are you?" He gave her a look that let her know that he could read what she was feeling. She bit her lip and looked at the floor.

"He looks like he's having fun" she said quietly

"He's not. I swear he's not. He's putting on a show" Fin replied.

"For who?"

"Honestly, I think mostly himself. Liv, I think you should talk to him. I mean really talk to him. I think you might find…"

She shook her head, composing herself. She squared her shoulders and beat back the tears in her eyes, never once looking at him, even though she could feel him willing her to look at him. She refused. She couldn't.

"I'm fine. I'm going home. You have your drinks. Rita is pretty great, by the way. I like the idea of you two." Olivia patted him on the arm and turned on her heel, getting out of the bar as fast as humanly possible. Fin could see her pause at the door, collapsing against the building slightly, like it took all of her power to maintain the façade of Lieutenant Benson while she stood here. Fin whipped around and looked at Rafael Barba, who's eyes had followed her out the door and saw the same thing that Fin had. He stood up slowly, eyes never leaving her silhouette, until she pushed herself off the brick and was gone.

"You are such an as asshole" Fin spit out, pointing down the table at Barba.

"Agreed" Rita chimed in from her chair. "I told you this was a bad idea!"

Barba looked back and forth between the two of them. "What… what should I…"

"GO" they both screamed, pointing at the door. Barba nodded and grabbed his phone and jacket, racing toward the exit.


	5. Chapter 5

I've been trying to figure out what I wanted to do with that Raul interview in THR and I decided to work in the chess thing here. It was so brilliant and so true and perfect. I love that he can see that in Benson and Barba. If you haven't seen it or read it, you really need to. It's amazing.

Also, my chess knowledge is barely any and what I was able to glean from Wikipedia. Don't throw stones at me for that.

* * *

The light rain hit him as he blew out the door, scanning the street for her.

 _He knew he should stop, but he ordered one more drink. She was nice enough, cute, a slight personality. But she found everything he said hilarious, even when he knew it wasn't. She just gave over to him. He found that incredibly boring. He wanted the fight. The spark. The back and forth that got his blood pumping. He drained his drink as she leaned into him, arm across his shoulders. Rita had been so right. This was such a terrible idea. He needed to get out of here, to sober up and regroup in the morning. He was about to bid this woman a good night when…_

 _"Can you introduce me to Olivia Benson? She's bad ass" she asked in his ear. He froze and looked over his shoulder and there she stood, staring at him with a look like… well, a look like he had never gotten from her before. Hurt and sadness and anger and… something else simmering underneath all of that. He couldn't move as she spoke softly to Fin, refusing to look at him. He watched her square her shoulders and leave as quickly as she blew in. He couldn't take his eyes off of her as she almost ran out of the bar, stopping just outside the door. He stood up but he still could not get his feet to move. Fin yelled at him from the end of the table, calling him an asshole, which he figured was an accurate description. He looked at Fin and then at Rita and them screaming at him to GO finally spurred him into action. He dropped some cash on the table, grabbed his phone and his coat and ran._

He scanned the dark street when he saw her at the curb, arms wrapped around her waist, waiting for her chance to cross the street and get further away from him. He was tired of having her trying to get away from him. It did neither of them any good. He threw his jacket on and ran. He must have looked ridiculous in his suit, sprinting in his dress shoes down the newly wet sidewalk toward her. But that red light wasn't going to stay red forever. He had to get to her. Now.

The rain started coming down a little harder when he skidded to a stop underneath the awning of a darkened store, not 5 feet from her. He thought about saying her name, but he needed something else. Something out of the box.

"Do you know anything about chess?" He basically screamed at her and she whipped around, eyes finally meeting his for the first time tonight. The rain was starting to plaster her hair to her head and run down her face, glistening slightly in the light of the street lamp. He's not sure he had ever seen her look more beautiful.

"What?" he heard her say. She walked toward him, stopping just under the awning, out of the rain, but as far away from him as she could get in the small space.

"Chess." He said again. He shot up a prayer that his quick thinking wouldn't fail him now. "Do you know anything about chess?"

She just shook her head. "Not really." She seemed like she had settled in, at least for the moment. This was his shot. His chance. He needed to make it count.

"Well, there are a lot of pieces on the chess board, but only a few are what you call major pieces. The Queen and the Rook are two of the pieces. The Rook is a piece that is just as powerful as the Queen but the Rook can only move in a straight line. From point A to point B. There is a clear direction. The Rook can protect the Queen and the rest of the board, but only within certain parameters. The Queen, on the other hand, has the freedom to move in any direction at any time. The movement of the Queen can be creative and can cause the entire game to flip on its head. Sometimes the Queen will sacrifice herself for the greater good of the whole game, but the Rook is there to try to keep that from happening." He paused, staring at her. He had inched closer to her and she stayed still, listening to his crazy rambling.

"I sometimes see this life I lead as a chess board. Especially my career. This job. Being a lawyer. I always related to the Rook more than any other piece in the game. A clear path from point A to point B. Law school. Making a name for myself. Success. Climbing the ladder, whatever that means anymore. But then I met you. And you are the Queen in the chess game of mine. Moving in all directions, making me have to look around and decide about the line to move on. At times trying to sacrifice yourself for the case or the victims. And I do everything in my power to keep that from happening. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes that brings us closer together and sometimes that drives us apart. But I will always make the moves that will try to keep you from having to make any kind of sacrifice. You need to know that."

He held his breath. He was close enough to touch her now but he didn't. But the smell of the rain in her hair was intoxicating. He wasn't sure he would ever forget it. He looked down at her arms still wrapped around her waist.

"I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for asking you to do something you didn't feel was right. Ever. It has been eating at me for weeks." He couldn't look at her. It was all right there, right under the surface and he knew if he looked at her it would all bubble to the surface and break through. But then he felt her hand land on his upper arm. His eyes shot up to hers and he saw the tears and the hope on her face. Hope. Something he hadn't felt in weeks. Maybe months.

"That's a hell of an analogy, Counselor" she replied, staring at her hand on his arm. He couldn't pull his eyes off of her face.

"Liv" he choked out. He could see the line. It was right there. The distance seemed so far, yet so short at the same time. She pulled her eyes up to his and he was done. He wrapped his arm around her waist and closed the gap between their bodies. He glanced from her lips to her eyes and saw everything he needed to see before he leaned in, pressing his lips to hers.

She ripped her hand up his upper arm and wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders, running her hands up into his hair, leveraging him closer. He growled and walked them back a few steps till her back hit the brick of the storefront. The rain started to beat down harder as she swiped her tongue across his lips, begging him for more. He opened his mouth and dueled with her tongue.

She was lost. She could taste the scotch on him and it was seeping into her senses. She moaned as he ripped his lips off her mouth and scorched a path down her neck. She gasped as he ran his fingers under her blouse, softly caressing the small of her back. All the times he had rested his hand there as they walked, a part of her had always wondered how it would feel to be skin to skin with him. She ran her right hand down his shoulder and chest, grabbing his tie, pulling him impossibly closer.

The thunder rolled over their heads, reminding them of where they were. He slowed his kisses, working his way back up to her lips on more time, pressing lightly again and again and again before he pulled back, running his hand over her cheek and tucking her hair behind her ear. She scratched her nails over the back of his neck, making him shiver slightly.

He framed her face in his hands as she smiled at him. "There you are" he whispered, dropping a kiss on each cheek. He pulled in her for a tight hug, turning them so his back was against the wall, her leaning into him. She sighed, peppering his neck with light kisses. "Yeah. I'm here" she replied, whispering into his ear.

She leaned back, resting her hands on his shoulders. He tilted his head, smiling at her. "Who was the blonde?" she asked.

He rolled his eyes. "Me, being an asshole. Just ask Fin and Rita. They will tell you."

"Fin kind of already did." He smiled and nodded.

"I figured."

He rested his hands on her hips, trying to come up with the words. But there was only one he could think of. "Olivia Benson, I have been enchanted by you from the moment we shook hands." He knew it was perfect by the smile that broke out on her face. He looked over her shoulder, looking at the rain pouring down. He dug into his pocket for his phone. "I'm going to get you home." She smiled slyly, fingering his tie. "Come with me."

"In the car, yes. But you need some sleep. So do I. It's been a crazy month. We need… we need to…"

"Point A to point B?" she asked. He nodded. "Exactly."

"The rook to my queen, then?"

"Yes" he said, pulling her in for a kiss. The Uber pulled up as they broke apart.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulder as the driver wound them through the street of New York, toward her building. She pressed against his side, resting her head against his shoulder. Soon, they pulled up in front of her building. He dropped a kiss on her forehead.

"This is your stop" he whispered. She sat up, giving him a look he had only seen in his dreams.

"You sure you don't want to come in?"

"Stop tempting me, Olivia. Please get some sleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow." She kissed him slightly and got out of the car. The rain had slowed to a light drizzle during the ride, so she stood there and watched him drive away.


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you all for the lovely reviews for the last chapter. That was so much fun to write. Here's a short little one to get us moving.

* * *

There are women out there who love flowers. Or chocolates. Walking into their offices and finding either one of those, or both, would make them swoon. Olivia hated flowers and being a cop for as long as she had, chocolate starts to lose its luster after some time. But what makes Olivia smile and a little weak in the knees was waiting for her right in the middle of her desk when she walked in the next morning.

She felt refreshed. Whole. More like herself than she had in a really long time. Longer than she truly cared to admit to herself. A powerful make out session follow by a hot shower and a few flirty texts before she fell fast asleep had her waking up with a different outlook on life. She had thrown on a green blouse under her blazer and popped on a bit of brighter lipstick before she headed out to tackle the day. She was going to be a different mom who picked Noah up in the morning. She had talked to him and Lucy on her way in and, while she missed him like crazy, she couldn't have thanked Lucy more for the time.

So, when she walked into her office to see a large cup of her favorite hazelnut coffee and a fresh croissant, her heart beat double time. He got her. She had fought it for so long for no good reason. He just understood. He never treated her like anything less than who she was. She took a long sip of the coffee and a bite of the food and leaned back in her chair, eyes closed.

"I was kind of offended I didn't get delivery this morning" he said from the door. She opened her eyes to find Fin leaning against her door, arms crossed, a slight smile on his face.

"Morning, Sergeant."

"Well you seem like a new person. Good night?"

She just nodded, eyes bright, sipping her coffee. "I'm not really the kiss and tell kind of girl, Fin."

He threw up his hands and shook his head. "Nope. Just… nope. I mean I'm glad you two worked out whatever but I don't need the details. But I do owe Rita a dinner that doesn't involve Styrofoam now." Olivia laughed.

"Good. Every girl likes a good dinner now and then."

Fin nodded and looked at his old friend hard. "Liv, seriously… you all good?"

"I'm getting there. Thanks for pushing him last night."

"I had to. It was either that or break his nose."

"Thanks for not doing that."

"No problem."

Her phone rang as Fin headed back to his desk. She answered.

"Lieutenant Benson."

"Now I get to tell you how incredibly hot I find it that you answer the phone like that" he growled out on the other end. She had to press her lips together to keep from smiling so brightly it would have blinded her squad.

"Counselor, don't even get me started on the way you say objection in court."

He laughed. This is what he had missed. The banter. But it was more now. More real and truthful. It made the weight on his shoulders disappear and the part of his heart he was holding back feel open and free.

"Thanks for the delivery. Fin was offended he didn't get included."

"Yeah, I owe him and Rita a thanks."

"Me too" she whispered back to him.

"Dinner tonight" he stated.

"God yes" she replied, a little breathier than she had anticipated. "Where?"

"How about I cook?"

"You cook?"

"Lucia Barba didn't raise a lazy son, Olivia."

"Remind me to thank Lucia for that."

"I'll be over about 7 so you can keep Noah's schedule and…"

"He's with Lucy in Jones Beach. I have to go get him tomorrow."

"So… you are on your own for one more night?"

"Sure am."

"Then my place. 7. Bring your appetite."

"For you? Always." He groaned, pressing the phone a little harder to his ear.

"You need to stop before I come over there and we give your squad a reenactment of last night."

Rollins was standing in her doorway, waiting for her to finish her call. "I need to go. 7?"

"Yes."

"See you then." She hung up the phone and looked at it for a moment before she exhaled and moved on to the business at hand.


	7. Chapter 7

So I think I've got a rough direction for this thing. Thanks for reading.

My basis for this is the interview that you can find on YouTube with Raul that he did with right as Leap of Faith was opening or had just opened or something like that. I like to think casual Barba goes to the extreme that work Barba goes with his suits.

* * *

She's pretty sure it was the casual-ness of it all that put her a little off kilter. He opened the door in jeans and a polo, no shoes, towel thrown over his shoulder, apartment smelling like nothing she had ever smelled in her life. She had been to his place just a handful of times but didn't realize till now that he actual lived in it. It always seemed pristine and put together. But with some music playing softly and dishes in the sink and food on the stove, it felt like him. So, she kicked off her shoes and joined him.

She sat at his kitchen bar, drinking a glass of wine as he chopped and stirred and moved around with the same grace he had in the courtroom. The finished product – arroz con pollo – was one of the best things she had ever eaten.

He almost choked on his bite as she closed her mouth around her first forkful and moaned loudly. It immediately took him back to the night before, in the rain, under that awning. He hadn't been able to forget how her skin felt against his lips. It's probably a good thing it was a slow day – for many reasons – but he's not sure he could have seen her at work without putting his hands on her in some way.

"Damn!" she sighed, pulling the fork out of her mouth, eyes closed. He could only stare at her as she finally opened his eyes, locking with his. He smiled, resting his head on his closed fist.

"Glad you like it. It's actually one of the first things I really learned to cook from mom. Once I mastered the knife skills, it was actually easy for me to throw together as a teenager when I got home from school while mom was still at work. Made me king of the dorm in college." She laughed.

"I'm sure that's not the only reason you were king of the dorm."

He just shrugged. "It may have also been my ability to teach all the upstate white kids how to cuss in Spanish too."

"That seems about right."

She made herself comfortable on the couch, feeling relaxed from the food and the wine and just being around him like this. There had been some light brushes as she helped him clean up but he shooed her out of the kitchen.

"Now before you overshoot all your expectations, I did buy the pastelitos on my way home" he said, sitting a plate of ridiculous looking pastries in front of her. She took a bite and rolled her eyes at him. "Too late. My expectations are now super high. I will no longer accept shady take out. Not after this." He nodded and stood up, extending his hand to her. He pulled her out away from the couch and wrapped her up in his arms, slowly dancing with her to the soft music coming from his stereo. She gave herself over, never having felt this enchanted by any man in her life. He hummed in her ear and she just sank into him, closing her eyes and forgetting about the rest of the world. She's not sure how long they stayed like that, slow dancing and just being with each other. Soon they were bathed in the dim light from a few of his lamps.

"What time do you need to get Noah in the morning?" he asked against her ear softly, sending a shiver down her spine as his breath hit her neck.

"I told Lucy I would be out there between 10-11."

He pulled back to look at her. "Want a driving partner?" The stupid smile that broke out across her face was probably ridiculous but she was done caring.

"You bringing the leftover pastelitos?"

"So, you only want me for my desserts then, Olivia?"

She slowly ran her hands up into his hair, lightly scratching her nails against his scalp. "Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" she growled out, pulling his lips into hers. Soon he found himself on the couch, Olivia straddling him, his hands on her back, a loud moan coming from her as he ran his tongue over her ear. He's not sure how his brain got him to pull back, but he knew he needed to before this spiraled into the territory of no going back.

He framed her face with his hands, pausing her for a moment. She looked glorious, with a flushed face and swollen lips and dark eyes, looking at him in a way he would soon not forget.

"You should go" he whispered. She shook her head and tried to lean back in, but he stopped her gently. "Liv…"

"Raf…"

He had to close his eyes and take a breath. The way she said his name was going to be his kryptonite from now on. He was going to have insist she only use Barba during work hours, that was for sure.

"Really. Liv. We will have plenty of time for… everything… I promise. But we need to get an early jump tomorrow for Noah." She groaned but slid herself off his lap, not before making a final impression was going probably going to haunt his dreams.

Their steamy kiss at the door made him glad he had few neighbors around. He watched her walk away, relishing in the feelings that night had brought out in him and how he had almost let it all slip away, due to hurt feelings and ego. He knew he needed to talk to her about all of that, but for now he was happy to finally be moving forward.


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks if you are still reading. Here's me, just meandering my way through this story. I think I'm almost done.

* * *

The day had felt almost magical to both of them. She glanced over at him as they wound their way through the city, back to her apartment. The sun had just set and darkness was starting to overtake them. Noah slept in the back and she lolled her head over to stare at his profile. By the grace of God, there had been no emergencies, no calls of horror and pain that came with their jobs. The drive out had been full of music and laughter and her discovery that he could really sing. Just about anything. She made him sing again and again the whole way out to Jones Beach.

Noah ran to her as she got out of the car, but she quickly lost her luster when he saw Rafael get out of the other side of the car. What was supposed to be just an hour before they headed back turned into the whole day because Noah wanted to show him the beach and the pool and the boardwalk. Olivia just decided to let the day go. She smiled and laughed and closed her eyes, turning her face to the sun. She was working very hard on believing that she deserved this happiness. That she deserves this amazing son and this handsome, smart, talented, egotistical, incredible man who had chosen her. She watched him run along the surf with Noah, wondering just how long it had been since he had chosen and just decided to wait till she was ready. Why did she get to be that special?

"Stop thinking" she heard him say. She opened her eyes to him standing in front of her, slight smile on his face. She wrapped her arms around him, leaning against him, hugging him, letting him in to her head and her heart and in all of her senses.

They unloaded her car and headed to her apartment, him carrying a very asleep Noah on his hip like it was the most natural thing in the world. He didn't even flinch as he carried the boy to bed, dropping a light kiss on his forehead as he left the room.

Olivia sat on her couch, just waiting for him. He came to sit next to her and she wrapped herself up in him, arm around his waist, head on his shoulder.

"Thank you for today Rafael."

"Any time, Olivia." She could hear the smile in his voice as he used her whole name, like it was a blessing or spell he was using to keep the rest of the world at bay.

He lightly ran his fingers through her hair, resting his cheek against the top of her head.

"Liv, I have some things I want to say. Have wanted to say for a long time. So, I'm going to ramble for a bit. Just let me, ok?" He felt her nod against this chest.

"Mom stopped bugging me years ago about my social life. Long before the transfer to Manhattan, I guess. We had a fight about me being married to my job and she threw herself into the school and that was that, I guess. Yelena married Alex and I just became my work. Why not? A social life seemed… like way more work than I wanted to deal with. Hurt feelings about my late hours and how I choose to work. That kind of stuff. So, I just didn't bother. Not that I met anyone who really intrigued me like that. I jumped at the chance to transfer to Manhattan. As a kid from the barrio who killed himself in college and law school, the chance to be a lawyer in Manhattan was the goal. The end game. Harris put in some good words for me and I got the offer. Great. Perfect. Just another step up for me. Then, I shook your damn hand. You brought me case after case and annoyed the shit out of me. Or so I thought. Looking back, I think this started for me from the moment I took your hand that day. You were mesmerizing. Passionate. Persistent. Making do things I wouldn't have normally done. Acting in ways that I had never acted before. Actually caring about the people I am representing, not just putting another notch in my win column. I sat through Cassidy. And then Lewis…"

He felt her tense up at the mere mention of William Lewis.

"I didn't even know back then what I was thinking and feeling. I just knew that I needed you to be ok. Whatever that meant. Then Cassidy left and we started… I don't even know what. I found myself wanting to be there, with you, all the time. Every time. For you during the whole process with Noah, keeping you and him safe from Johnny D and that god-awful lawyer. I thought… I thought something was going to happen after… but we both started deflecting. Dodging. Hiding behind work and victims and life. Tucker. God I was hurt more than I thought possible about Tucker. It nearly did me in. I drank a lot. I couldn't bear the thought of you and him and Noah… having to watch from the outside. I thought about leaving. Heading back to Brooklyn or into private practice. But I couldn't. I kept telling myself 'this is my last case. I'll do just ONE more'. But there was never just one more. Because of you. It just hit me one night. I can't even remember when. I just know that I was never going to be able to escape you. No matter what. I just gave up, Liv. I settled for just being in your world. No matter what role that was going to be. But it has been harder and harder to sit by and watch you beat yourself up. So, I asked Rita to set me up on a blind date. I just wanted to see if… but from the moment I walked into that bar two nights ago, I knew it was wrong. I was wrong. Rita said there was only one woman I wanted to be out with. You. She was so right."

He lifted her chin up with his fingers, wanting to see those dark brown eyes. "You have haunted my dreams for so long, Olivia Benson. I thought for a long time that would be the only way we would be together in any way other than colleagues. But by the grace of God, there is another plan for us. I will be thankful for that every day that you choose to put up with my arrogant, ridiculous Cuban ass." She smiled, pulling him down to kiss him slowly, passionately, methodically.

"I rather enjoy your Cuban ass, counselor" she said, pulling back, resting her forehead against his. He laughed, kissing her cheek.

"Stay tonight" she whispered in his ear, raking her nails though his hair.

He pulled her up off the couch. "To sleep, Olivia. Just to sleep." She shook her head at him slightly. "You are starting to give me a complex, Barba." She wound her fingers through his as she pulled him through her apartment.

"Liv, my dear, when we are ready for that piece, I want all the time in the world" he said seductively, winking at her as she pulled him into her room, shutting the door.


	9. Chapter 9

I hate me a little bit too.

* * *

They did their best to keep the real world at bay, but work slapped them in the face with case after case. Crime after crime. They did their best. Lunches, coffee breaks, dinners when they could. But she still felt like he was keeping her just far enough away. Every time they pushed into something more physical, he always found a reason to stop. He was keeping one last barrier between them and it was killing her.

She pushed her way out of the building as the sun was starting to set. She glanced up at Hogan Place as she walked by, knowing which window was his. She dug her phone out of her pocket and dialed.

"Please tell me you still like me today?" he answered.

"Always. You still working?"

"For several more hours, I fear. Early pre-trial motions with Murphy. You?"

"Headed home. Guess you aren't available for dinner then?"

"I wish, but I want to get all this knocked out in the morning so we can have our weekend."

"You are killing me, counselor!"

"Trust me, my dear, the feeling is mutual." She looked up and could see him looking out the window at her.

"Is it?" she asked, giving him a slight wave.

"What does that mean?" He leaned against the window, giving her a slight wave back.

She sighed. Another wall. "Raf…"

"Liv… ok. I know… I just..." He put his hand on the window, staring hard at her. "I have… I have something else I need to say to you. I just don't have the words yet. Trust me. I've been working on them, but it needs to be just right. Do you trust me?"

"Always."

"Then trust me on this. I want you, Olivia. Just let me find the words first, ok?" She nodded and looked around quickly before dropping her hand over her heart, looking up at him in the window.

"OK. But I'm holding you to the weekend. Get back to work so we can have a stupidly lazy weekend where you don't shave. I like scruffy you."

"Good to know" he growled into the phone. "I'll talk to you later, Liv." She nodded and disconnected the phone. He watched her walk away until he couldn't see her anymore. He sat down at his desk, staring at the mountain of paperwork and his blank yellow legal pad. He grabbed his pen and just started writing.

* * *

She walked in early the next morning. He had worked late and sent her a few texts about her and him and the late hours and how his plan was to finish early today so the three of them could get an early dinner before he passed out from exhaustion. She smiled warmly at the thought of him working so hard so that they could spend a few hours together. She would let him find his words. She owed him that.

Her eyes widened at the sight of the envelope on her desk with her name on it in his handwriting. She grabbed it, ripping it open, turning in her chair to read what was inside.

 _Olivia,_

 _So, the truth is I have the words. But when I look at you and your beautiful eyes, I'm not sure I can get them out in any kind of coherent manner. You make my rational thought and ability to speak disappear sometimes._

 _It is four words. That's it. Four words that have the ability to break my heart and heal it at the same time._

 _Word number 1: Tucker_

 _I hate that word. He's a fine guy. But his name about ended us. My heart broke in my office that day. I tried to hide it, but I'm sure I failed miserably. I was petty and hurt and angry at you choosing him over me when you had no idea that I was an option. At the time, it destroyed me. Hindsight being what it is, I know if I had just opened my mouth, said something or just kissed you senseless, we maybe could have avoided a lot of anger and hate and misery. But I didn't. I thought again that a woman I thought I had a future with was choosing a man that (a) wasn't good enough for her and (b) that was better than me. I wasn't lying when I said I drank a lot, especially while you were in Paris with him. Have I ever told you how much I love Paris? How I would close my eyes and see us walking along the streets, drinking coffee, just being together and when I would open them and be here while you were there… well, it hurt. Terribly. So, I got pissed and pushed you away. I thought it would save my sanity. But it drove me crazier. I was a bastard. You didn't know and you never deserve to be treated like that. I spent so long being miserable and mad that I found it hard to come back. But you… again, you… you started to thaw me out. Like you did when I first transferred. You took the walls I built up around my heart and my soul and slowly started to break them down. I know you think there has been a barrier still between us. That I keep you at arms-length because I'm not sure or that I want an out or that your life is too much for me. But it's not. And it never will be. And that's because of words 2, 3 and 4._

 _I love you._

 _There. You have it in writing. You are the reason I threw myself into the law. I just didn't know it till I met you. We were always destined to end up here, no matter how hard we fought back against it. I know that now within my soul. You and me. Squabbling till we are 85. That's going to be more than nice. My mother is going to be happy that I won't be married to my work anymore. Prepare yourself now, Olivia._

 _There you have it. The last of my barriers. I love you, Olivia Benson. And Noah too. You both are what I want in my life. So, I'm going to blow through this stack of paperwork and get to you and him as soon as humanly possible._

 _Rafael_

This man. Those words. She pulled the letter into her chest, hugging it against her. She felt a tear fall down her face and she wiped it away as she heard "LIV!" from behind her.

She turned to Amanda standing in her doorway with a look of horror on her face as she wiped her face for good measure. "Oh God, did you hear something? Did…"

Liv shook her head. "Oh, no… I just… wait, hear what about what?"

"There was a shooting at the courthouse."

Olivia froze. "Which courtroom?"

"Judge Murphy. The defendant tried to go over to her when she…" Olivia couldn't breathe.

"Liv…" Amanda said slowly, walking toward her.

"That was Barba's pretrial motion. He…" Amanda watched as the color drained from her face.

"Liv! Let's go. I'm driving." Olivia grabbed her phone, the letter and her bag, running as fast as her legs could carry her, Amanda hot on her heels.


	10. Chapter 10

Breathe easy my friends. I had to inject a little humor. I have also decided that Carmen is like Barba's #1 warrior - she will battle with him till the end of days. I like to think she's kind of the Donna Paulson to Barba's Harvey Specter but without the crazy sexual chemistry (Suits if you aren't familiar with the reference). Like he's brought Carmen along with him on each of his moves cause he trusts no one and would hate to train someone new every time he moved offices. And hello Lucia!

* * *

The courthouse steps were chaos as Amanda and Olivia pulled up the barriers. Amanda slowed down to park as Olivia jumped out of the car, rushing towards the chaos everyone else seemed to be running from. She shoved her way past patrol and first responders, planning to storm through the doors and take apart the building brick by brick if she had to in order to find him.

She didn't get very far when she saw Carmen and Carisi running toward her. She grabbed her detective. "What the hell happened?"

Carisi motioned to Carmen. "Mr. Barba had a strong case, Lieutenant. Every motion the defense made he knocked right down. I was making notes for Mr. Barba and I could see the defendant was getting agitated. And this new bailiff just walked too close to the defense table. I swear it was like slow motion. He just grabbed the gun off the bailiff and punched him out and he started waving the gun around and… Mr. Barba waved for me to get down. For all of us to get down. The defendant was screaming awful things at Judge Murphy and Mr. Barba…" Carmen stopped and Liv wanted to throw up as the tears filled her eyes. "Mr. Barba put himself between Judge Murphy and the defendant. He was trying…" Carmen couldn't get any more words out and Olivia wanted to hit something. Hard. She turned to Carisi.

"I wasn't in there, Lieu. I was following up on a few leads for Barba and I didn't know anything was off till the gun fired. I got in there as fast I as I could but Barba was down by the time… so I took down the defendant and cuffed him and Judge Murphy called 911 on her phone."

Olivia felt lost. "Where is he?" she managed to choke out.

"There!" Amanda yelled, pointing at a gurney being run to an ambulance. She sprinted toward them, Amanda following behind. She grabbed one of the EMTs as they were loading him in. "How… where…" The man recognized Olivia, thank god.

"He got grazed by the bullet on his left shoulder but Judge Murphy said when it spun him around he hit his head on the corner of her desk and then the floor. We haven't been able to get him to wake up."

"I'm coming with him" Olivia spit out. The EMTs looked at each other, unsure of what to do when she felt Amanda push her up into the ambulance.

"She's his girlfriend. Now go!" Amanda yelled at the three of them. They finished loading the gurney and Olivia looked over her shoulder as the doors closed. Amanda just shrugged her shoulders at Olivia and ran back into the fray.

* * *

She collapsed into a waiting chair, unsure of what to do with the energy that was moving through her body. She went as far as she could with them. The ER doctor recognized her too and promised that as soon as he had examined Barba he would be out. Carmen walked in not too long after her, a bag slung over her shoulder. She sat next to Olivia.

"I didn't know where else to go" she said quietly. "I got his stuff out of the courtroom and just came here. Any word?" Olivia just shook her head. "I called his mom. I would imagine she will be here soon too. I don't know if you want to…"

"I'm staying."

Carmen just nodded. "Good." Olivia looked over at the young woman. "Once all this wears off, she's going to have a million questions for you and for him. You ready for that?"

"More than" Olivia replied, her shoulders sagging. She reached into her bag and pulled out the letter, clutching it in her hand. This poetic letter he took the time to write her. She had to be able to reply. To tell him. She didn't fight through all the bullshit of her youth and the back and forth with Elliot and then Haden and Tucker to not finally be given a chance to get it right.

Olivia leaned back, head resting against the wall and closed her eyes. Carmen studied her for a few moments.

"Lieutenant, for what it's worth and if it means anything… he cares about you more than anything in this world. I'm one of the very few that has seen him vulnerable and… well, I just know that what he feels for you not only is very real, but this may be the first time in his whole life he has cared this much about another individual." Olivia felt the tears fall down her face and she couldn't stop them. She felt Carmen pat her on the arm. "Thank you" Olivia choked out.

"TELL ME WHERE MY SON IS NOW!" they heard bellowed from down the hallway. Carmen sighed and pushed herself out of the chair. "So, Lucia's here…" she said over her shoulder as she walked toward where they could hear the woman berating some poor nurse. Olivia straightened herself up, wiping the tears off her face as best she could. A few moments later Carmen returned with a worked-up Lucia Barba striding in behind her. She narrowed her eyes at Olivia.

"Benson, right?"

Olivia nodded. "Yes, please. Olivia." She could feel Lucia looking her up and down, trying to figure out the situation. Olivia had never been so glad to have a doctor enter a room in her entire life.

"Are you Rafael Barba's girlfriend?" the doctor, who was NOT someone who knew her, asked, looking straight at Olivia. She saw Lucia cross her arms out of the corner of her eye and she saw Carmen press her lips together and look at the floor.

Olivia cleared her throat. "Lieutenant Olivia Benson, SVU. This is Lucia Barba, his mother and his assistant, Carmen." Then, the doctor who did know her came into the room, taking the file from the other man.

"Sorry, Liv, I needed to look at something before I came out here. My intern jumped the gun." He motioned for the three women to sit.

"So, here's the deal. The bullet wound is nothing. It was just a graze. We stitched that up and he will be sore for a few days but just fine. What is troubling is the knock on the head. He hasn't woken up yet. According to what we have been told, the shot spun him around and he hit the corner of the judge's bench, which knocked him out cold so he couldn't stop himself from slamming his head against the marble when he landed. We did a scan and don't see any bleeding or anything on his brain. There isn't anything abnormal there. But it's been a few hours and he still hasn't woken up yet."

"What does that mean?" Lucia asked.

"It means right now we wait. Hope he just wakes up on his own and is no worse for wear. But if he's still unconscious in 12 hours, we will have to call in a specialist and run some more tests." Olivia just nodded. "He's being moved to a room now. I'll have someone come get you as soon as he is settled." The doctor took his leave, leaving the three women in the waiting room.

Carmen looked back and forth between Olivia and Lucia and if they weren't in the situation they were currently in, she would be laughing hysterically. She cleared her throat and stood up.

"I think I'm going to go to his apartment and get him some clothes. I would imagine that suit is toast. Lucia, will you text me if something changes before I get back? Do you all want anything? I'll bring some food." Neither woman really responded other than a head nod, so she took that as her moment to leave.

Lucia turned her head toward Olivia, who was just staring at the paper in her hand.

"So…" she started. Olivia turned toward her slightly. "Girlfriend?" Olivia just sighed.

"One of my detectives said that to the EMT so they would let me in the ambulance to come over here with him."

"So… it's not true?" Olivia slide her eyes over the older woman. The look on her face made Lucia smile. Then a nurse came in to let them know that Barba was settled in a room. They grabbed their things and got up to follow the nurse as Lucia wrapped her arm around Olivia's.

"We will just table this discussion for a later date when I can grill you and my son at the same time" she said, patting Olivia's arm.

"Thank God" Olivia replied, eliciting a laugh from Lucia.

* * *

He slowly pried his eyes open. The pounding woke him up. He thought he was going to have to have another discussion with his neighbor about appropriate times to do construction projects but he soon realized the pounding was in his head.

He groaned and that jolted Olivia awake from where she slept in the chair next to his bed, head resting on top of his hand. She glanced at her watch and saw it was just a little after 1AM. They ran more tests at the 12-hour mark and still didn't see anything concerning. So, they continued to wait. Amanda had retrieved Noah from Lucy and Lucia had gone home to try to sleep. Olivia had refused to leave. After his words and his honesty, there was no way she was leaving his side when he needed her the most. Ever. She quickly called for a nurse, who called for the doctor on duty. They seemed to think he was going to be fine, but would order some tests for first thing in the morning to make sure.

"Water" he groaned out as they walked out the door and she retrieved the cup and the straw for him. She could only stare as he drank the water, taking in his surroundings. "What happened?" he asked.

Olivia quickly recounted the events for him and where he was. "The doctors have been concerned about how hard you hit your head so there have been all kinds of people in and out of here, checking you. It's been a little scary." She finally took a breath and put the cup back on the table as he handed it to her.

"One more question" he said, looking at her. She nodded.

"Who are you?" It was like the breath had been sucked out of her body. She just stared at his face, but he looked at her blankly. She swallowed the large lump in her throat.

"You… you don't… you don't know me?" she asked, trying not to let emotion completely cloud her voice.

"I do, Olivia, but wouldn't that have been a hell of a story" he replied, a smile slowly spreading across his face. It took her a moment before she understood. She grabbed the extra pillow off the chair behind her and hit him with it.

"You jackass" she yelled, hitting him lightly in the stomach with the pillow. He laughed and grabbed it, tossing it behind her.

"Come here" he said, dragging her toward him. She pulled away and walked around the bed, away from the injured shoulder. He gave her a questioning look and she pointed at the bandage. "You got shot." He looked down at it, eyes wide. "Huh" he said, just staring at it. "I got shot." He stretched out his arm, adjusting so she could lay with him on the bed.

She stretched out next to him, arm around his waist, head on his shoulder. "I get to talk now and you are going to let me" she said. She looked up at him and he pressed his lips together.

She rested her hand on his cheek. "Don't ever accuse me of being disenchanted with you ever again. I'm not sure I ever could be. You are what I want in my life and I'm so sorry it took me 5 years to see it. If I could build a time machine, I would go back and find you after the Cain verdict and drag you into an empty room and I would have jumped you right on the spot. Cause that belt thing was fucking sexy." His eyes got wide put he still kept his lips pressed in a tight line. "And I may not have written an eloquent letter, but I love you too, Rafael Barba. Pretty sure I have for a long time. I want you in my life and more importantly, I want you in Noah's life. I told him you were hurt and he said he was going to draw you a picture that would help you get all better." His eyes were smiling, dancing, lite up, but he still pressed his lips together. She sighed. "You can talk now."

"Good" he croaked out, dragging her lips to his. Their tongues dueled and she pressed herself into him, causing him to groan in what she immediately knew to not be a good way. "Sorry" she whispered, settling back against his side.

"Never apologize for that. Ever." He ran his hand through her hair. "Stay with me?"

"Wild horses couldn't drag me out of this room, Raf." He pressed a light kiss to her head and closed his eyes.

"Oh, and just an FYI. Amanda may have told the EMTs I was your girlfriend to get me in the ambulance with you and they may have told the ER intern who may have announced to your mother that I was your girlfriend. We will probably have that to deal with in a few hours when she gets back." He groaned and ran his hand over his face. "Perfect" he sighed.


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks if you are still reading. I decided Barba works for Mike Cutter, at least in this story. Makes sense to me, in the L&O universe. Plus I like Linus Roache. I liked what he brought to those later seasons of the mothership and I miss him on my TV. Lucia is crazy fun to write.

* * *

The sun was peeking through the window when he started to opened his eyes again.

"It's almost 7" he heard softly from across the room. Looking over, there sat his mother, with a large cup of coffee and a book. He rested his cheek against the top of Olivia's head, who hadn't seemed to move since they had both been consumed by exhaustion a few hours earlier.

"I never imagined when you said you were going to law school that you would find yourself in dangerous situation after dangerous situation" she said.

"Mom…"

She held up her hands. "I know. I know. You can handle yourself. It's not as bad as you think. I'm not on the front lines. Blah blah blah. I know the routine, Rafi. I get it. This… job… is important to you" she said, cocking her eyes at him and glancing at the sleeping woman on his chest. "Girlfriend?" she asked, smiling slightly and leaning back in her chair, crossing her arms.

"It's new" he replied.

Lucia shook her head slightly. "Oh, mijo… it's really not."

"Are all Cubans this loud at the crack of dawn or is it just the Barbas?" he heard mumbled into his chest. Lucia chuckled as Olivia pushed herself up. He immediately missed the contact but the hell if he was going to give his mother the satisfaction of seeing that on his face.

"Good morning, Olivia" Lucia said, reaching into her bag for a large thermos. "I brought reinforcements." He watched as his mother and his… girlfriend(?) talked and poured coffee and just… were together. He so rarely brought anyone to meet his mother. Between her schedule at the school and his at work and just his lack of a social life of late, there really hadn't been anyone in a long time. And Lord knows Lucia had never been a Yelena fan. He had never thought about what it would look like when his mother finally interacted with someone who mattered. He was in awe at how comfortable they looked together. Like they had been around each other for years. He wondered if this is how Olivia felt whenever she introduced someone new to Noah.

"Either one of you two lovely ladies going to pour me a cup or do I have to beg?"

"No, I think this might be a good time for you to start working on curbing this caffeine addiction of yours" Lucia said, not even looking at him. Olivia smirked into her cup and turned away. He knew it was so he couldn't see her laughing at him getting smacked down by his mom.

"Mother…"

"Rafael…"

"I will get up and come over there then. And what if I hurt myself in the process? Then what, mom? Then what?"

"Really, Rafi… guilt. On me?"

Olivia leaned against the wall and watched their back and forth. A healthy parent/child relationship. A mother who loves their child so much she is willing to fight with him over his favorite thing in the world. That she was willing to fight with him at all. Sure, they had their problems. Who didn't? Olivia knew the death of his grandmother had put a strain on their relationship, but it was clear they had worked through their issues and were still a strong family unit. It is what she wanted to give to Noah. She had to smile as she watched Lucia and Rafael bargain until he got a small cup of coffee until they could talk to the doctor about it.

"Speaking of the doctor, he was in here about an hour ago while I was talking to your lovely boss, Olivia. He thought you might get to go home today."

Olivia froze and choked on her coffee. She looked at Barba who seemed to have, what she would imagine, was the same expression on his face that she had on hers.

"My… my boss?"

"Dodds, right? Yes. He stopped by on his way over to cover for you today, I think. Lovely man. He and I had a quick, but informative conversation about… well, just everything I guess. He said to call him later today but he didn't want to see your face at all."

Olivia looked back at Barba, who just shrugged. "You see now" he just said, taking a sip from his cup.

"He said he was going to call Mr. Cutter for you, Rafi, so you didn't have to worry about that either." Barba sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. "Fantastic."

* * *

By 2PM, they were finally out of the hospital. Olivia hadn't been sure how this was going to work now that he was getting to leave, but the doctor was clear that someone should be with him for the next 48 hours, just to make sure there were no lasting effects from the blow to the head. Olivia hadn't wanted to presume, but she also knew she didn't want to let him out of her sight, not quite yet.

Lucia had watched the way they held on to each other during discharge, the way Olivia helped him move around and how he let her with very little fight. Lucia just knew that her son was in good hands, finally. So, when they got outside, Lucia pulled out her phone.

"Olivia, text me your address. I'll run to Rafi's place and grab him some clothes and what-not for a few days and bring it over."

Olivia opened her mouth, but Lucia held up her hand to stop her. "Olivia… just… I won't worry if he's with you. You carry a gun. I feel good about that." Barba squeezed her hand as she pulled out her phone and sent Lucia what she needed to know. Lucia took off as their Uber pulled up to drive them home.

* * *

Olivia could hear the telltale ruckus as she put her key in the door. She glanced back over her shoulder at him. "Get ready" she said as she turned the handle to enter. He just looked at her but suddenly understood when 40 pounds of energy and concern was launched at him as he stood in the door. Barba was at least able to shuffle in through the door and shut it with Noah attached to his legs. He sat down, his back against the door, as Noah wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

"Hola, amigo" Barba whispered in his ear, hugging him tightly. He understood why Olivia wanted to always see him at the end of her dark days. One hug from this boy was taking away some of his pain and fear.

"Momma said you hurt?" Noah pulled back and looked at Barba, overwhelming concern on his face. It about broke his heart.

"Just a little bit, buddy. I hit my head pretty hard, but I seem to be all better now. You want to check?" Noah pulled his head down and ran his hands all over Barba's head.

"Noah!" Olivia said from across the room.

"Liv, it's fine. Let him." Noah pulled back and narrowed his eyes at Barba. "You not allowed to get hurt anymore" he said very matter of fact. Barba smiled and nodded. "Yes, sir." Noah crawled off his lap. "Come on. Lucy ordered us pizza and I got some new cars to play with." Barba pushed himself up and braced himself on the door, just for a moment. Olivia was at his side almost immediately.

"Dizzy?" The doctor had warned them all that he might still feel some effects of the knock on the head for a few weeks.

"Just a little bit. I'm ok Liv. I might need to pass on the pizza for a bit and go lay down." Olivia nodded and guided him back to her room. He collapsed on the bed and was asleep before Olivia could pull the blanket over him.


	12. Chapter 12

Barba was asleep. Noah was watching a movie and eating pizza. Olivia knew she had about 20 minutes before he got bored so she bit the bullet and pulled out her phone.

"How's he doing?"

"Better, chief. He got discharged today so he's…" she wasn't real sure how to finish that statement. This was such new ground and the last time she was involved with an ADA it had ended so badly.

"Olivia? Remember what I said. You are covered. I have got you. No matter what. I promise. Is he with you?"

"Yes. The doctor said he needed someone with him for the next 48 hours to make sure there aren't any lasting effects from the hit on the head."

"Then it's settled. I'm here today and Fin can cover tomorrow to get us to the weekend. You come back Monday."

She exhaled the breath she didn't even know she was holding. "Chief, we…"

"Olivia, stop. Cutter and I talked this morning. And while, yeah, it's not ideal, we know the two of you. He feels the same way about Barba that I feel about you. We are on the same page. The four of us will figure this out. Because the last thing Cutter and I need is you and him not in these jobs anymore. That's kind of our worst-case scenario, if I'm being honest."

"Thanks, chief" she said quietly.

"No problem, Olivia. Plus, I slightly fear Ms. Barba after talking to her this morning. She's… intense."

"Barba's term is a giant pain in the ass who sometimes forgets he's a grown adult." Dodds laughed on the other end of the line.

"I think I'm still processing everything she threw at me this morning. But I do remember a small part of me was glad I have a permit to carry a gun." Olivia replied with a laugh of her own. "Liv, take the break. Get some sleep and some sun. We will talk Monday."

* * *

The knock on the door broke Olivia out of her work on the computer and had Noah sprinting out of his room. Barba was still asleep, so Olivia was trying to weed through some stuff before he woke up.

"Well, you must be Noah" she heard Lucia say from the door. Olivia walked over to see the two of them shaking hands.

"Momma! This Raf's momma!" Olivia just smiled. "Yeah buddy, I know." Olivia took one of the bags from Lucia and placed it next to the couch.

"How's he feeling?" she asked, sitting down.

"Ok, I think. He has been asleep for a couple of hours now. I don't think he slept great at the hospital so he crashed when we got back here." Lucia just nodded and Noah crawled up next to her with every car they had in the apartment. Olivia wasn't used to him warming to people so quickly. But there was something about a Barba – the Bensons were just drawn to them. Olivia spent a few minutes watching them. It just made her feel better about all of this. Like whatever was going to be thrown at them was going to worth the battle because this is what life was supposed to be.

"Lucia?" The older woman looked at Olivia. "I hate to do this, but I really need to run to the store for food and stuff. Wasn't expecting company and I'm low on supplies. I'm much faster without Noah but I also didn't want to leave him asleep. Do you mind if…" Olivia couldn't even get the question out before Lucia was waving her off. "Go. Noah and I have some cars to play with." Olivia knew he was just fine when she said bye and he didn't even give her a second glance.

By the time she got back 90 minutes later, Lucia and Noah were thick as thieves and had made plans for the evening. Olivia tried to tell Lucia that wasn't necessary.

"Olivia, my son needs to stay here till at least some time tomorrow and I know what it's like to have a little boy so full of energy and spunk being cooped up in a small apartment with no way to get his energy out. You have agreed to take care of my boy. Let me at least help you with yours." Olivia had to fight back at the tears as she listened to Noah talk about how Lucia was going to take him to dinner and then to the park and maybe for some ice cream. She hadn't even realized that a part of her wanted that for her son – extended family. A grandparent of sorts to spend time with him, teach him things, someone to love him. Lucia gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek as they headed out the door.

"Thank you, Olivia."

"Me? I should be thanking you, Lucia."

Lucia shook her head. "This… this is the easy part for me. This child is full of life and light and I can't wait to get to know him better. But you… my son has a hard head and a hard heart. You got through both. I had about given up hope that would ever happen. So yes, Olivia. Thank you. We will talk to you later." Olivia gave her son and Lucia wave goodbye as she shut the door.

* * *

He stretched slowly, feeling the dull pain in his shoulder as he did. He opened his eyes and looked around quickly to get his bearings. The sun was almost gone for the day out the window of the bedroom. Olivia's bedroom. He remembered where he was now. He pushed himself up, glancing around, seeing two of his bags sitting in the corner of the room. Pushing himself out of bed, he felt like his head was finally right again. No more pounding, dizziness gone for the moment. He rolled his shoulder around – a little pain, but nothing an ibuprofen wouldn't fix. In all he was lucky. More than as he remembered he was here, in Olivia's home. This was not what he had planned. Not at all. He wanted to give her a lazy weekend with scruffy him, like she loved. He rubbed his hand over his face and realized the scruff would be here by the morning.

He reached into his bag and smiled. His mother – thinking of everything as he pulled out a toothbrush. He made his way into Olivia's bathroom to freshen up.

He just looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. Why was he wasting so much time? They had lost so much of it. And after this experience, did he really want to waste anymore? He had known for a while that she was what he wanted in his life. She seemed to want the same. The excellent sleep and perspective made him feel like a brand-new man. Giving himself a nod, he splashed some water on his face and headed out of find her.

There she sat, on her couch, hair pulled back in a messy bun, glasses pushed up into her hair, computer on her lap. She looked up at him and smiled, widely and placed the computer on the table next to her. She stood up and he stopped breathing. There she stood in a tank top and shorts, looking like… his future. He watched her snap at him and he shook his head. "What?"

"I said I'm glad to see you up. I was about come throw a bucket of water on you!"

"How long was I asleep?"

"Like 5 hours. It is just after 8." Barba widened his eyes for a moment and then he looked around. "Noah?"

"With your mom. They left here about 5 or so and she took him out to Brooklyn for dinner and to burn off some energy. Apparently, she did so well that when she ran back to her place to grab something, he fell asleep on her couch. She called about 20 minutes ago and asked if he could just stay there and she would bring him back in the morning."

"So, we're alone?"

"It would seem. There is some pizza left. You hungry?"

"Starved" he growled out, crossing to her in a few steps, wrapping his arms around her waist, assaulting her lips with his. She fell against him, looping her arms around his shoulders and he turned them, falling down on the couch, her landing on top of him. He ran his hands under her tank top and she almost fell apart right then. He swiped his tongue against her lips and she opened up for him instantaneously. As their tongues dueled, he rubbed light circles on her back. She scraped her nails against his scalp, trying to get closer and closer to him. He slipped his thigh between her legs and she moaned into his mouth. He ran his lips down her neck slowly and she thought she was going to lose it.

She pushed back, just a fraction, breathing heavily. His green eyes were dark, his lips swollen, his face a mixture of relaxation and need. She found it all intoxicating.

"Liv" he whispered almost like a prayer.

"Did you want some pizza?" He shook his head no. "I thought you said you were hungry." He smiled at her, pushing himself up, pulling her legs around his waist.

"I am" he whispered in her ear, tracing the outline of his with his tongue. She could only hold on for dear life as he pushed them off the couch, carrying them back to her bedroom.


	13. Chapter 13

This is about as smutty as I get. It's not my strength and I can count on one hand the number of times I've attempted to write it for anyone. There are way more talented people out there who do it better than me. But this is me, giving it a shot. After all the times I had him stop, it only felt right we all et some pay off. Heh.

* * *

She didn't breathe again till he dropped on the bed, falling backwards, leaving her sitting over him, straddling his waist. She brushed her hair out of her face as he grabbed her hands, lacing their fingers together, pulling her slowly down to rest on top of him.

"Like I said, no interruptions" he growled out and she was lost to him. Forever she quickly realized. He rolled them over slowly, kissing her with a longing she had never known in her life. He slowly slid his hand down, pulling her knee up so he could rest against her and she moaned loudly feeling the effect she was having on him. She pushed his shirt up his body till he took the hint and ripped it off his body. She took advantage of having him distracted and flipped him over on his back, giving him a look of lust and need as she pulled her tank top off, throwing it over her shoulder. He ran his eyes up and down her body and she had never felt as tantalizing as he was making her feel with that look on his face.

He pushed himself up, pulling her flush against his chest. The feel of his skin on hers almost made her lose her control in that moment. He smirked at her and leaned in, flicking his tongue against her nipple through her bra and she was ruined. That talented tongue that could shred a defense argument had caused her brain to short circuit as he slowly moved back and forth, causing all of her words to become lost to her. She gripped his shoulders and just held on as he worked his way back and forth across her chest, one breast than the other. Every time she tried to move just a little bit to satisfied the need she felt at her core, he tightened his arms around her, hands planted firmly against her back, keeping her exactly where he wanted her. She found it frustrating and sensuous all at the same time. A little nibble of his teeth against her left nipple had her lose the last of the control she was trying to hold on to.

"FUCK" she screamed as she wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders, crashing down as her orgasm worked its way through her. He pulled his head away from her chest, watching her face flush with want and need, her eyes closed. He chuckled and leaned in, pressing his lips against her ear.

"That's next, my dear." She groaned loudly at the wicked way his voice reverberated through her body. He slowly leaned her back against the bed, slowly pulling the shorts and underwear down her ridiculously long legs. He smirked at her, her arm thrown over her eyes, chest heaving and he felt a crazy pride that he was the one to make her feel like this and he knew that, from this moment on, he would be the only one with her like this from now on. That realization turned him on more than he already was and he slowly kissed his way up her leg, pausing for just a moment above her core. She cracked an eye and looked down at him and he ran his tongue over her and she growled loudly, a guttural reaction to him. It had never felt more powerful in his life. The taste of her on his tongue was titillating and she consumed him in a way he didn't know was possible. He pressed his mouth against her and she lifted her hips, urging him on. Soon she was writhing against the bed, surrendering to every move his mouth made. He moved against her over and over again until he felt her relax and come down from the high he had given her. He slowly kissed his way up her body, stopping for a moment on her breasts again, before slowly kissing his way up her neck. Her hand slipped around the length of him, slowly moving up and down. He closed his eyes and rest his forehead against her shoulder, relishing in the feel of her hand on him, working him up into a frenzy. Soon, he had to grab her hand and still her. They locked eyes and she smiled at him, resting her free hand on his face, stretching up to kiss him lightly and he took that moment to enter her. They took a moment, realizing what this meant for them but then she was moving her hips in a delicious manner.

She grabbed his hands, intertwining their fingers together and pulling them over her head as they moved together. Just the feel of him pressed against her, moving inside of her, it was more than she could have ever imagined. They fell over that cliff together, breathing heavily as they came down, her kissing his neck up and down as he gripped her hips, still her just where he needed her to be.

* * *

He knew they would be good together. Great. Earth shattering, mind altering, addiction creating great. But he didn't expect the need they would have for each other to be as powerful as it was. He looked down at her in front of him, her mouth working him over as they stood in her shower, finally having peeled themselves off the bed. He cursed a string of Spanish that Olivia didn't understand as she finished him off. She slowly stood up and he kissed her hard, tasting himself on her tongue and wondering if he would be able to function with her out in public now that they had left that last barrier in the dust far behind them.

"You are going to be the death of me, Liv" he said, walking them under the stream of water. She laughed, throwing her head back, water plastering her hair to head, reminding him of that night in the rain. This is when she is her most beautiful, in these small moments with him, relaxed and at peace. "You are also never allowed to shower without me again" he said.

"Ok then" she replied, shrugging her shoulders. "Guess that means we need to find a place with an amazing shower and a huge water tank". He knew she was making a joke, but they both froze, just staring at each other. He reached behind her to turn the water off, the steam from the shower wrapping around them like they were the only two people in the world.

Her eyes were wide. "Raf, I was just… I didn't mean to imply that we needed to…" He kissed her lightly. "How about we agree to circle back to that idea once I've polished off what's left of the pizza from earlier?"

He always knew what to do and say and how to react to keep her from spiraling out of control. She just nodded. "Agreed." He helped her out of the shower and slowly wrapped her up in a towel, turning her so her back was against his chest. He ran his tongue up her neck from her collar to ear. "But let me just idea, that's an idea I can totally get behind."


	14. Chapter 14

Well, I tried to figure out where this was going next and it led me to the end. Thanks for reading. I have an idea for what's next. Stay tuned my friends.

* * *

It wasn't that she didn't like sex. She did. A lot. But after Lewis and everything that had happened, she wasn't sure it would ever be something she wanted again. It's part of the reason Brian left and a point of contention between her and Ed from the beginning. After they had ended, she had just decided it wasn't worth it. She would be fine.

Yet here she was, pinned up against the wall of her kitchen, wrapped around Rafael Barba, yelling his name as he thrust against her over and over again until they both fell apart. She held on to him as she got her breathing under control, feeling him finally let go of the death grip on her knee and releasing her a bit. She looked over his shoulder at the pizza, now cold again, on the countertop.

"I'll have to remember how much you love delivery from that place" she said, smiling. He laughed into her shoulder, dropping a light kiss on her collarbone. He leaned back, pressing light kisses to her lips.

"Oh, Olivia. You have me all figured out." She pushed him away, grabbing the plate off the counter, popping it back into the microwave yet again. She shooed him out of the kitchen, and out of her personal space, knowing what got them into that precarious position against the wall in the first place 20 minutes ago. She grabbed some waters out of the frig and carried it all to where he sat on the couch. And they ate. And talked. For hours. Part clearing the air, part figuring out what moving forward looked like, part expectations with Noah. His eyes started dropping close to midnight and it took his last bit of energy to shuffle to bed, wrapping her up in his arms as they fell asleep.

* * *

But life outside the apartment went on. And they eventually rejoined it. Noah came back with his mother the next morning and Rafael wasn't real sure who was more excited about what was going on – Noah or Lucia.

The following week, he got the all clear to head back to work and he did the next morning. And if they were a dream team before all this had happened, they were now firing on all cylinders. Thoughts, ideas, actions – all in tune. It made those first few cases they caught almost easy. Rita even commented after a plea deal that she found them annoyingly effective and Barba could thank her with a case of her favorite wine. They worked hard so they could play hard. Neither was sure they had ever been this content.

About a month in, he got a text on his way to his office in the morning. The DA was requesting to see him first thing. He was surprised to see Olivia and Dodds sitting there, waiting for him to arrive.

"Rafael, come on in" Mike Cutter said, motioning at the last seat at the table. He looked across at Olivia and she slightly shrugged her shoulders.

The two men looked at each other and Cutter glanced back and forth between the Lieutenant and ADA. "So, here's the deal. No one has made an issue of you two yet. Hell, I'm not sure people even realize. You two are very good. But cards on the table, this is a thing now, right?" Liv and Rafael just looked at each other and nodded. "Good. If someone wants to make a fuss, they can and could maybe have some standing to get one or both of you reassigned or have cases reopened or something." They both looked at the DA.

"What are you saying?" Barba asked, unsure of where this was going.

"Well, Dodds and I have been coming up with some ideas, contingencies and what not. Not going to lie, it would be easier if you two were married, but I'm sure we can…"

"OK" Olivia said. The three men just froze, looking at her with wide eyes, Barba's being the widest.

"What did you say?" he choked out.

She smiled slightly, crinkling her eyes at him, cocking her head to one side. "I said, OK. If it would make life simpler if we were married, then ok." Dodds and Cutter just looked at each other. "Why don't… why don't you take a minute." Dodds said, motioning to the DA to follow him out of the room. The door closed and Olivia moved over into the seat next to him, resting her hands on top of his. "Liv" he whispered.

"Look, Raf. Till we are 85, right?" He smiled, remembering that day in her office, thinking it was the only bright spot he felt during that time, a promise of sorts. He wasn't even sure if she remembered, much less found it as important as he did. Why did he ever doubt her?

"You bet your ass, Olivia Benson."

"Then why are we wasting any more time. Didn't we decide a few weeks ago that this was it? Aren't we spending all of our nights together? Haven't we almost come to the decision that we are moving into your brownstone as soon as we can get a moment to make that happen?" He nodded in agreement to all of her questions.

"Then let's just keep this from being a thing. Those two men will fight for us and have our backs, but why make life harder. Let's get married."

He just shook his head, laughing quietly. "You deserve a big, elaborate, crazy proposal."

"And thank you for wanting to do that for me. But I don't need it. I need you, me, Noah and a ring on that finger of yours so that everyone else knows you are finally off limits. For good." He grabbed her, kissing her roughly. He pulled back after a moment, resting his forehead against her.

"You are going to make my mother the happiest woman in the world." Olivia just laughed and pushed herself out of the chair. She walked over to the door, opening it for their bosses. Both men came back in, looking between the two of them. Barba stood up and grabbed her hand and they faced the older men.

"Give us a month" she said and that was that.

* * *

And a month later they stood, with the sun setting at their backs, exchanging rings and vows in front of a small group of friends who were family to them.

She squeezed his hands as she opened her mouth to speak. "You once asked me if I was disenchanted with you. Over the years, we have fought, sparred, stopped speaking and at some point, fell in love. But I would never, ever say you have ever disappointed me in any way. You stand by me, even when you don't want to. You pick me up when I don't think I can move. You love me. That's all I will ever need from you."

He sighed, squeezing her hands and pulling her a step closer. "The truth is, I was never sure we would ever get a place like this. We fought so much of us. I stand here now, looking at you, and I wonder why. We were inevitable. I love you."

The justice of the peace barely got out the announcement of them being joined in union before their small, but mighty, wedding guests bust out in a raucous applause. Not that they heard any of it. The world melted away as they kissed each other with abandon.


End file.
